love letters to storytellers: alyssa sherlock
This was initially sent to newsletter subscribers January 1, 2022.
I want to talk about struggle.
It is a new year, and often that comes with a lot of reflections on accomplishments, looking back to see how far you’ve come. And it’s true, I have come a long way this year. I’ve gone from being severely depressed, not leaving the house for weeks at a time, unable to escape my own hateful thoughts, to being happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve also gone from having an idea for a book project to an actual book manuscript, professionally edited, with an ISBN, a professionally hired artist, two contributors, and everything. These two things are intertwined, and I’ve had such a difficult time writing this newsletter because it’s impossible to separate the two. My journey of recovery and my commitment to this project, telling my story, are the same.
"One thing that came out of my breakdown was a re-evaluation of pretty much everything in my life. What I thought I wanted for my life almost destroyed me, so what did I really want then? I asked myself the question, if I was to do anything without fear, what would I do? The answer was immediate and obvious: I would write and publish a book." - from my Big Reveal post July 23, love letter to stories
This year I started with a commitment: I want to live. The next step was asking myself, okay, so then what do I need to do live? Once I got on the right medication, found the right therapist, and was actually able to do things again, I was just grateful to feel again, to be alive. I was excited and hopeful, emotions I had been unable to access for almost a year.
To be honest, I was expecting everyone to be on board. Of course, people should be happy for me, excited that I'm healthier and happier than ever!
Things that I did not expect:
People being shocked or uneasy with how much I’ve changed.
People not being okay with the “new me” and having to let go of those people that aren’t ready or willing to grow with me.
Realizing my own mental health was my new anxiety hyper-productivity project, and trying to let it “flow", learn how to rest, and stop trying too hard.
The constant resistance to prioritizing taking care of myself. I call in sick to work because I know I need to rest, and get guilt-tripped for calling in sick. There is constant internal and external messaging telling me I’m worth nothing if I don’t do things.
How I find loving myself the most difficult thing ever, especially with the constant societal reminders that I am not “normal” and don’t belong in this world. Feeling tired, and that it’s not worth it to be myself when the whole world seems to be telling you not to. Realizing that loving myself, the way I am, with all my flaws and failures, is an act of resistance.
People being uncomfortable with me talking so openly about my struggles with mental health.
Having to commit over and over and over again to prioritizing myself, being myself, and loving myself, and still not really “arriving.”
Over and over again this year, I had to go back to my initial commitment I had made way back in January: I want to live. Seemingly simple, endlessly difficult and complicated.
This year I learned what it means to live: rest and set boundaries, be my authentic self, love and have compassion on myself, let go, and commit to telling my story. This book project has always been first and foremost for me, a way to process my own life, to see if I could do it, to work on something I believe in and find meaningful, and hopefully, in the process, connect with a few people.
This year I’ve done research on self-publishing, I’ve vulnerably shared my thoughts on Instagram, I’ve worked with friends and editors and had to humble myself as they give me feedback and I learn the complicated dynamics of hiring friends. I’ve hired an artist and then had to cancel that contract and start again. I’ve sat down and heard the stories of storytellers. I’ve met so many people and learned so much, about publishing, about myself.
I’m grateful for all of the ways I have already been able to connect with people this year, through chats with friends and storytellers for my monthly newsletter, through paragraph responses to my Instagram posts, or by connecting with people at writing events and retreats. I appreciate much more personal, heartfelt responses to my writing than any amount of likes or follows.
Thank to you all who have read any of my writing this year, and all who I have connected with in some way. Thank you for following this journey, and I hope you will continue to follow me as a writer and this process as I continue to struggle through. This book will eventually be done, and in your hands in spring 2023, but my journey will continue for the rest of my life, and I hope you will continue to come with me, wherever my writing career may take me.
Happy New Year.
Alyssa
this is a love story
This is a love story you haven’t read before, a raw and vulnerable story of finding hope, love, and friendship through struggles with mental illness.
Alyssa Sherlock was a sensitive, anxious child who grew up into a sensitive, anxious adult. In this collection of poetry and essays, Sherlock lays out the reality of becoming her own person while experiencing anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and the illness of loved ones, before exploring how complex friendships can be the support that is needed for recovery.
This book is for anyone who struggles with their own mental health or the mental illnesses of others, to remind them they are not alone, and that there is love and belonging to be found in the most unexpected places. Written in collaboration with friends Erin Toews and Amelia Warkentin, and including illustrations by Amber Wallin, this honest autobiographical collection is perfect for fans of dodie's Secrets for the Mad.
Coming Spring 2023. www.alyssasherlock.com/books